Synopsis

APRIL 7th, 2005 – CHICAGO

Amelia is a young woman who hallucinates music continuously. Every moment, she is tormented by it and darker intrusive thoughts: disembodied typing hands, ghostly children, a vicious blind rabbit dripping with tar. It becomes apparent that something is wrong when she donates her possessions, mails a handful of letters, then completes the rest of her to-do list.

Amelia attempts a graphic suicide.

She survives.

The psych ward is its own sort of torture. Safe. Without the option to finish what she started, Amelia is forced to live against her will. The music still torments her, and she finds no relief in routine.

In group therapy, the nurse opens each session with a prayer. Amelia’s agnosticism and refusal to pray creates a rift with patients and staff. She explains the religious roots behind her self-injury, and we learn the extent of her psychosis. God ordained her suffering.

Amelia and a young bulimic man grow close. They share a special bond that can only be found in madness. She connects with others of a variety of disorders- bipolar, schizophrenia, anorexia, and more mysterious illness. They are more than their diagnoses.

She also makes enemies. Some are simply ill, but members of the staff mistreat her as well.

The RPN prescribes medication to help her sleep. Amelia is hesitant to take a psychiatric pill. She ends up lurching to her bed and passing out, grateful that the medication works but ashamed that she needs it. Auditory hallucinations still replace large swathes of time and conversation, which is a comfort and distraction.

Amelia’s father comes for his biweekly visit. He relays the fury of her family, recounts all the red flags he ignored, and apologizes. Another visitor comes to see Amelia: her roommate. Constance brings news about the outrage of her friends and now-ex-fiancé. It seems everyone is against her. Even when she escapes the hospital, she’ll be living among people who have forsaken her.

Amelia finally sees the psychiatrist, who diagnoses her and puts her on still more medication. She spends days vomiting, choking down pills, and lying on the floor of the shower; committed to exhausting every option.

THE MUSIC STOPS.

Amelia is now able to function, but she no longer hears music. All everyday sounds are amplified. Without constant distraction from her mind’s ear, Amelia becomes attentive to the appearance and emotions of her fellow patients. The writing style changes and details that were missed, due to her obsession with music, come to the fore.

CONSPICUOUS LACK OF MUSIC

In group therapy, Amelia is asked to explain her side-effects, and the positive outcomes of the medicine. Amelia describes her mind in detail, and mourns the loss of the music and voices in her head. A patient suggests that she make her own music to help cope with the loss of her thoughts.

Someone helps her unlock the piano while the art therapist is on a bathroom break. The effect is immediate and intense. As Amelia plays, the entire room is just still. Everyone listens in rapture, quiet and calm. She is given permission to play daily by the psychiatrist, who brings her a box of his sheet music.

Amelia has a long discussion with Doctor Stephens about the effects of her medication. She describes the experience of being on psychopharmaceuticals in detail. The psychiatrist gives Amelia advice about how to handle her transition back into society. He explains what to do if a prescription is not working, and how to communicate with her doctor. It is advice the author wishes she would have been given, and one of the only parts of the book that is fabricated.

When it’s time for Amelia’s discharge, she plays one last song on the piano. After she is done, each person bids her goodbye in their own way. Some give small tokens. Amelia leaves the ward with a clearer mind, and a new and destructive habit.